flotsam and jetsam

The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 05:26:10 -0400

One thing I've realized from reading my various neighbors' blogs, is that nearly all of my Vox peeps watch (or have watched) "House, MD." This begs the question: are you a House or a Wilson? In most of your friendships, are you the unpredictable, creative, oft-annoying friend, or are you the conservative, supportive friend? It's possible to be a House in one friendship and a Wilson in the other, but typically, I think people are more one than the other. Discuss. (and Happy Easter)

I'm definitely more of a House. I don't say this to harp on my brilliance or anything, but I tend to be the unpredictable insane genius-type person in a relationship. I can also be moody and aloof at times, although I'm never exactly boring.

I think back to my friend, Mark, who worked at the station across the hall from mine. A few times a night, I'd go into his studio, and we'd talk. Basically, I'd say stuff, and he'd laugh. He was smart, and hard-working, and funny in his own way, but he was also a little on the conservative side. Once, my truck got repossessed (seems the bank wanted me to pay them every month or something), and he drove me to Tampa to fetch it. I cashed a big talent fee check, and we rode across the bridge. We found the place, a desolate little trailer occupied by a 20-ish girl watching "Another World" on a portable tv. I said something to her about Amanda--yeah, I watched AW while I was in college--and riffed with her for awhile. I gave her a large amount of cash, and she gave me my keys. We got the truck, and I met Mark for lunch later. He asked me, "How the hell do you DO that?" Meaning, how was I able to strike up a conversation with this girl--we named her Krystal, because she seemed like a Krystal--when I knew nothing about her? I told him I was just full of shit, I guess, and ordered a reuben from Sherry the Waitress.

We were good friends for a few years. I made him meet me at my Bennigan's to watch "The Lion King" one night--he'd never seen it--and he was amazed that I knew all the waitresses, hostesses, and bartenders so well. I told him it was fleeting, that they weren't real friends, that they and I would forget each other as soon as I stopped drinking there.

Just as Wilson found House on the floor, OD'd and wrecked, so Mark saw me at my worst. He'd lend me $20 when I had no money and no gas, even though he probably knew I'd go buy Bourbon with it. (I did)

He left the radio station, and I left the world of people. I caught up with him a couple years later. He's a great guy. For a few years, he was my Wilson.

Now, I'm less than two hours from starting my new position at Job #1. Friday was my last day with my old team. They got a cake, and our supervisor got us a conference room for a little goodbye party. It was flattering and very nice. They said they'll miss me, and they will. I'll miss them, too.

I realized, during this little exercise, that I don't have a big stable of friends. I have a lot of people whom I consider friends, but not a lot in the "active" category. After a few years, they move on, or I move on. It's never a bad ending, really--even Crackhead Gary left town on good terms with me. Maybe I just meet people on the cusp of change. Maybe I'm a pain in the ass to have around all the time. Either way, I'm grateful for the people in my life, the Houses and the Wilsons alike.

Happy Easter.

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Tue, 20 May 2008 05:19:55 -0400

How would you most amusingly complete this sentence: It's raining like...

"Piss from a boot."

My buddy Mike used to coach baseball, and one of the other coaches had an endless stock of funny sayings. ("He's as crazy as a tomato soup sandwich," eg) One of them was "It's raining like piss from a boot." Just the seeming absurdity of it kills me--who pees in their boot, and how is pouring out said liquid analogous to rain? Still, it poured rain here yesterday, and I actually said that. Pat, the person to whom I said it, wasn't half as amused as I was.

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:41:21 -0400

What are five movies you love far more than you probably should?
(Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Casablanca, et al, are on lots of people's favorites. Name five movies that just work for you, even if critics hate it and your friends roll their eyes)

1) Brighton Beach Memoirs. My ex-Jenny and I watched this one about 500,000 times. It has so many great lines--"Where am I going, to a nightclub?" "THERE ARE NO BONES IN LIVER!" "The whole world whacks off."--and I always end up laughing before they say them.

2) Tommy Boy. Critics hate this one, but I laugh my ass off every time, especially the scene with "Superstar". Total guilty pleasure movie.

3) Tombstone. Kurt Russell is okay as Wyatt Earp, but it's Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday that steals the movie. Powers Boothe, Sam Elliot, and Michael Biehn are also fantastic. And I love Dana Delaney.

4) The Cotton Club. I love the music, the tap-dancing, the 19 year-old Diane Lane, and some really well-drawn characters: Dutch Schultz, Bumpy the gangster, and Owny and Frenchy.

5) tie: South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, and Monty Python's Meaning of Life. SP just killed me, especially the songs ("Uncle F*cker", eg) and Cartman's exultant torrent of profanity that zapped Saddam Hussein back to hell. MPMoL had some great songs as well ("The Penis Song", eg), but it was just so wonderfully silly as it made fun of everybody that it cracks me up, regardless of my mood or blood-chemistry.

Sure, I love the "classics," too. But I'll watch these five (six, actually) whenever they're on, and love every minute.

(Thanks to Kelly the Culture Maven for the inspiration)

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:45:38 -0400

Name three words or phrases you wish you'd coined:

1) Prosti-tot (when parents dress their little girls like whores)
2) Muffin top (the abdominal flesh that squeezes out over the waistband of too-tight hip hugger jeans)
3) Borborygmus (a wonderfully onomatopoeic word for intestinal rumblings and grumblings)

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Tue, 06 May 2008 22:26:42 -0400

Today's question is inspired by a movie quote from Juno:
Mac MacGuff: Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.
Whom would you punch in the wiener today? Not smite or dismember, but just punch in the wiener?

Pretty much every TV political pundit and campaign reporter in the country. I understand this is an important election, but sweet dead Ed Murrow, the Super Bowl doesn't have this much senseless hype. Every single one of them: POW!

Tom Cruise, too, just because he creeps me out, and Katie Holmes was supposed to be mine.

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:04:02 -0400

Have you ever been in a situation where it was inappropriate to laugh, but you couldn't help yourself?

Maybe ten years ago, I was at my parents' house for Christmas dinner. My grandfather and his wife were there. It

Fire

was a rare cold Christmas, and my dad had a lovely fire roaring in the fireplace. My brother Mark and I were sitting there watching football, when g'pa's wife, Kathleen, noticed there was a lovely fire. (Kathleen wasn't always the most perceptive and lucid of people, bless her heart) She said something like "Oh, what a lovely fire," and stood up to investigate further. She started shuffling across the floor, issuing a loud, trombone-esque fart with every step. She took small steps, and it's a big room. BLAAP. BOOM. PFFFFT. THHPPTPTPT. A-OOOO-GAH. SQUEEEEAK. PUFF. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP. All I could think was, "Don't look at your brother. Don't look at your brother. Don'tlookatyourbrotherdon'tlookatyourbrotherdon'tlookatyourbrother."

Naturally, I peeked out the corner of my left eye, and caught him peeking out the corner of his right eye.

We lost it. I swear, we laughed till our faces hurt, the dog was scared, and our tears soaked the furniture. The idea that Kathleen had just propelled herself across the room--toward an open fire, for cripes sakes--was just too much to keep inside. My mom came in to ask what we were laughing at. We told her, and she gave one of those terse momisms: "She couldn't help it, I'm sure. You shouldn't laugh."

I think she was just mad that she missed the brass band and potential fireworks. Over a decade later, we still crack up over that special Christmas concert.

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The Tom Zone Question of the Day

nobody@vox.com(tom) — Sat, 03 May 2008 11:58:24 -0400

What's the most bizarre drink you've ever made for yourself?

Slurpee

Many years ago, during my bad decade, I was on Adkins, where carbs were

Citrus twist

verboten. Vodka was carb free, so I mixed vodka with a Crystal Light Slurpee from the 7-Eleven. I got the uber-mega 64 oz bucket of pineapple-orange Crystal Light slush, and kept dumping more Smirnoff Citrus Twist into it, and stirring with the spoon-straw until both were gone. It was icy cold and refreshing, but it made me write this long unifying treatise on world religions. I think boogers ended up in the treatise, too. The combination of vodka, carbless fake orange ice crystals, and the unique pas de deux of brain anesthesia and brain freeze certainly livened up a hot August night here in Gomorrah.

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