I've never been a fan of Wal-Mart.  I could scold them for their legendarily bad treatment of workers, or excoriate them for their preponderance of "Made in China" goods.  That would be socially aware of me.

It would also be a lie.  I'm not boycotting Wal-Mart for any sociopolitical reason.  I just hate their damn stores.  There's a Wal-Mart Super Center about four miles from here, and I would rather get poked in the eye than shop there.  The aisles are too narrow, and they have those infernal self check-out things that gall me. 

And now there's this:

Wal-Mart shoppers trample NY worker

That's the real reason I don't like Wal-Mart.  The mobs.  When I shop, I tend to do it alone and very quickly (like sex (rimshot)).  I know what I need before I get to the store.  I know where the item is, and I've plotted the fastest way to get to it.  I wish I could chalk this up to being organized, but I can't.  It's simple self-preservation: get in; get out, and nobody gets hurt.  At my Winn-Dixie, the aisle are wide and well stocked, and most customers are there to buy things quickly and leave.  Awesome.

At my Wal-Mart, they shop in packs, large, dentally-challenged, steatopygous thromboses in the shopping arteries.  And there's no purpose to these people--they are looking for bargains, or for Lord knows what else (some white trash holy grail, it seems). 

And that's great, both for Wal-Mart and for them.  I don't like going to dance clubs, either, but I am glad they exist for those who enjoy them.  Same with the Kingdom Halls and Jehovah's Witnesses.

What scares me about that headline is that there was an unruly mob at Wal-Mart, so desperate to begin shopping that they killed somebody.  At 5 AM.  To add insult to, well, death, the shoppers were actually pissed that Wal-Mart had to close for a few hours.  There is no bargain worth trampling somebody to death.  Hell, there are few bargains I'd get up for at 0500 in any store. 

To be fair, I have gone to Wal-Mart a few times, usually to spend gift cards people gave me.  One time, I was grateful to Wal-Mart for being there, and for being open 24 hours.  It was the day "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" came out.  Wal-Mart started selling it at midnight.  I came home, had a few drinks, then went over, ready to brave long lines and jostling crowds.  I walked in.  There was a table with the books right inside the entrance.  I grabbed one, and found an open checkout line.  The person was competent and not chatty, and I was back outside in three minutes.  In and out.  Nobody gets hurt.  Awesome.

I do most of my Christmas shopping online.  It's easier for me, and I can shop a zillion stores without leaving my chair.

I just do it that way for the environment.  Yeah.

My sympathy goes out to the poor Wal-Mart guy and his family.  In Mumbai, lots of brave men and women died trying to stop the terrorists attacking their city.  This poor guy died because he got between rabid Christmas shoppers and a storeful of discounted crap nobody really needs, crap people give as gifts for a holiday ostensibly welcoming the Prince of Peace.  Irony, aisle five.