Sunday Mental Chex Mix
- When I was in the hospital many moons ago, I remember seeing a commercial that made no sense to me. I figured it was the Dilaudid, maybe, or all the oatmeal they made me eat. I'd forgotten about it, until I saw it tonight. It's the standard "earnest Americans" spot, where photogenic white people are caught carrying a tray of petunias across the yard, or carrying a towel poolside, then they say such things as, "It's time to say NO to processed foods." "It's time to say NO to additives and preservatives." "It's time to say YES to real food, rich in omega-3's. It's time to say yes to Hellman's."
- Hellman's is mayonnaise, in case you were unclear on the subject.
- The gist of this spot is that since Hellman's is made with just oil, eggs, and vinegar, that--by damn--it's a real food, and thus we should all be serving it to our children.
- All natural mayonnaise is the key ingredient in chicken salad, turkey sandwiches, and massive coronaries. Don't get me wrong: I love mayonnaise. I think mayonnaise is just awesome, improving everything it touches. Salads, sandwiches, fries, you name it, all become more palatable with mayonnaise.
- But selling it as a health food? I don't buy that.
- It would be like the Bourbon industry pointing out that a drink a day may do a body good. "Yeah, but how do the other 15 drinks in each bottle affect me?"
- Mayonnaise, now that I think of it, does NOT improve Bourbon.
- I propose a new script for the commercial: "It's time to say NO to additives and preservatives." "It's time to say YES to real food, made with natural ingredients, like wheat, corn, and water. It's time to say YES to Bourbon." Instead of the soccer moms feeding pretty sandwiches to their health-exuding spawn, they should show mom with a cocktail in her hand.
- Actually, I think it would be fun to show real-life commercials. Instead of showing little kids and their adoring moms eating mayonnaise, they should show some huge guy in a CICU ward, eating mayonnaise while his heart monitor beeps uncertainly behind him.
- Ditto, I find it hilarious that commercials for alcoholic beverages always show people having fun. Oh, sure. If you throw a party, people get giddy after a few drinks. Stick around longer, though. Show the host and his girlfriend arguing, while one of the cute young girls throws up in the laundry hamper. Instead of smiles, show flushed cheeks, squinty eyes, and lopsided grins. Instead of showing bright, intelligent hip people conversing intelligently and laughing, show some guy with his t-shirt on backward, slurring into the phone, "BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU THE BEST!!!" while some poor lady's husband mouths "It's two o'clock in the morning" and the woman rolls her eyes.
- At least that's how I used to do it.
- As much as I distrust our government sometimes, and as much as I think they're incompetent idiots, I am heartened and proud of our nation. Why? Because we have the Federal Standards of Identity for Bourbon, passed in 1964. Only under LBJ would such an act get through Congress. You could tell he enjoyed a snort or ten every night.
- To my knowledge, there are no Federal Standards of Identity for Mayonnaise.
- All in all, I guess it is pretty clever, extolling the health virtues of mayonnaise. And it is made from all-natural ingredients.
- So is heroin.
- But ham salad made with heroin just doesn't taste as good.
- Today is the final day of NaBloPoMo. Thirty posts in 30 days. The tempus really does fugit. Thanks for putting up with 30 days of inanity and crap. Have a great Sunday.
Comments
"Tempus really does fugit." Heeee!
I'm still having mayonnaise on my turkey sandwich. I'll have the bourbon in a glass! :D
sorry to be the one to bring you the news.
congrats on completing NaBloPoMo. please consider joining the 365/365 challenge. you are a delight to read
But ham salad made with heroin just doesn't taste as good.
... I don't know that I believe you. I think empirical research is required at this point.
What's next? LARD! It's not so bad when you eat just a little.
And the best part of Thanksgiving is the Thursday night sandwich. Mmmmm.